


Everybody Wants to Rule the World

by ashinan



Category: The Avengers (2012)
Genre: Gen, Pre-Slash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-19
Updated: 2012-05-19
Packaged: 2017-11-05 16:00:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,276
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/408324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashinan/pseuds/ashinan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Welcome, newbies, to the only class SHIELD has to offer on surviving this shit. I'll be your teacher today, hi, Tony Stark, Iron Man, CEO of awesome."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everybody Wants to Rule the World

**Author's Note:**

> Because they lost _a lot_ of agents in the movie. So, why not!

“Welcome, newbies, to the only class SHIELD has to offer on surviving this shit. It’s usually taught by Agent Phil Coulson, a man who is currently ignoring orders and on vacation because his lung was popped out by an alien scepter and apparently that means he can flee whenever he so chooses.” Tony claps his hands together, grinning. “So, I’ll be temporarily filling in for him today, hi, Tony Stark, Iron Man, CEO of awesome. And here is my assistant/resident bodyguard that I did not ask for, the very lovely and infuriating Steve Rogers, aka, Captain America. Questions at the end, notebooks out and ready, no playing Galaga or Tetris or any form of entertainment on your SHIELD issued phones, because I will know. Ready for some fun?”

The classroom full of new SHIELD agents shift in their seats, eyes wide as Tony paces in front. He always wanted to teach. Steve stands off the side, dressed in civilian clothes and rolling his eyes. Tony sticks his tongue out at him. The recruits begin to whisper.

“Now, now, none of that. Yes, I am technically certified to teach. No, I did not enjoy my first stint as one. But! Seeing as I will be showing all of you how  _not_ to die whenever aliens/deranged people/Norse Gods decide to take over the planet, Fury decided to call on the resident genius to drill that into your still soft-from-the-exams minds. I will answer to either Professor Tony or Sir. Do not call me Mr. Stark or I will infect your computers with viruses you’ve never even  _heard_ of. So, listen up and you won’t die.”

Steve makes a noise and steps forward, stalling Tony’s erratic arm flail. “What  _Mr. Stark_  is trying to convey,” and here Tony tries to flick Steve in the back of the head, glaring as Steve grabs his wrist and holds him still, “is due to circumstances beyond Director Fury’s control, he had to downgrade to someone that still understood the equipment.” Tony snorts and tugs at his hand. Steve releases him with an eyebrow raise. “That’s what Agent Coulson told me, Tony, now stop being a child and teach.”

There is a short staring contest which the new agents are too intimidated to try and break up. Tony turns away with a huff and spreads his arms wide. “I’ll need a volunteer to get stabbed.”

The entire class recoils.

Sighing, Steve steps up again. “Am I going to have to translate everything you say into ‘no, I’m not actually planning on killing you’ speech?”

“It’s the only way they’ll learn!”

“We’re here to teach them how  _not_  to get stabbed, Tony, stay on topic.”

“You stay on topic.”

Frustrated, Steve says without looking away from Tony, “Mr. Stark has constructed a number of different armours, weapons, and electronics that will aid in the defense of your person should a hostile attempt to disable you.”

“He means kill you,” Tony interjects.

Steve talks over him. “And, due to SHIELD’s recent interaction with the Tesseract, it is essential that all new recruits be learned in these areas.” Steve turns and gestures to Tony. “The first item we’ll be showing and demonstrating is a synthetic body armour, designed to nullify most bullets and reduce damage from close combat with knives and other sharp objects.”

 “Now,” Tony moves to a large silver box at the front of the class. Steve strips off his jacket as Tony digs out what looks like chainmail from the box. He hands it to Steve, who tugs it over his head. “This may look like medieval armour, but it is in fact a substance of denser and lighter material. It will stop any bullet – well, when I say ‘any’ I mean the one’s we’ve tested, including Loki’s magic stick of destiny. It will also repel most sharp objects, leaving you with only a large bruise from the stabbed area. Currently, the armour only falls to mid-thigh, but we’re working on full body armour that will be tested on Fury first.”

“Tony,” Steve warns, tugging the armour into a more comfortable fit. The recruits edge back.

Tony flicks his fingers at him. “You know you want to stab him too. Anyway, this armour will repel most bullets. That isn’t to say you won’t feel it, because that much force has to go  _somewhere_. The armour allows for a larger field of dispersion and will dispel most force expelled by the bullet or plasma beam being shot at you. We also ask that you wear special little booties so the energy can be displaced into the ground and not your head.”

Steve has obviously given up. The agents are warring between fascination and dread. Steve says, “The armour is standard issue for all SHIELD field operatives and any agent caught without one will be subjected to a lecture from Agent Coulson.”

“Which you don’t want to listen to.”

“Which will teach you the finer points of protocol within the Hellicarrier and out on the field,” Steve grits out. Tony smiles winningly at him.

“He was recently stabbed by said magic stick of destiny, and kids, take it from me, one doesn’t survive a stab wound like that unless you’re Phil Coulson and can make Death bow down to you. I wonder if we should test the full length one on him?”

“Tony, please stay on topic.”

Tony picks up a short dagger, frowning at Steve. “You sure?”

“I’ll be fine. We’ve tested it before.”

Tony hesitates, testing the grip of the dagger before lunging forward and driving it right into Steve’s shoulder. Steve visibly flinches, hands coming up on instinct to grab Tony’s arms as a snick rings through the room. The recruits cry out and the knife skitters off and over Steve’s armour clad skin. Tony breathes out and Steve breathes in. Steve smiles.

“Told you.”

“I swear, something was thawed loose in that head of yours,” Tony says, voice a little shaky. He steps back and tosses the knife onto the table. “And that, kiddies, is how you attack Captain America. No, no, I’m kidding, don’t, he’ll pin you down and then do wicked things to you.”

Tony grins and Steve pinches the bridge of his nose. “Next item, Tony.”

“Spoilsport.” Tony goes digging for his next item while Steve strips off the armour. “Now, I don’t like making weapons, as you should all well know by now, and if you think I do then I figure you’ve already been brainwashed and there’s nothing I can do save experiment on you later.” Steve crosses his arms in exasperation and Tony tugs out what amounts to a simple Taser. “But, as we don’t want more casualties from lack of weaponry, I am modifying certain weapons for SHIELD use. Understand this, they are not to be used on civilians, just on hostiles. Okay? Okay. Now, this little number here is modelled after a lovely girl’s Taser that was used to take down a Norse God. Granted, the Norse God in question had been mortalized by the Allfather but who’s counting? We’ve amped up certain settings, so you can basically knock out anything from a mouse to a hammer toting pretty boy. It does not work on the Hulk. Do not try.”

Tony hands over the Taser to Steve who fiddles with the dials. “The settings, as stated, can be configured from the front. There are no fancy buttons and whatnot, just normal dials so those of you who have issues with technology need not fear. The dials also have locking mechanisms so you don’t accidently fry a hostile when you meant to give them a little zap. Do not try this on Hawkeye. He has sticky arrows now and they are a  _bitch_  to get out of.”

One of the agents raises a hand. Tony snaps, “No.” She slaps it back down with a startled expression. Tony grins. “Good. Now, onto the next one!”

Tony yanks free what looks like a Glock. Steve catches the excitement on one agents face and says, “Before you get ideas, son, these bullets are special and most won’t kill your opponent. The gun can be modified to fire real bullets, but for now they have a variety of compact canisters that disperse upon contact. The idea was to take Agent Barton’s special arrows and make them denser and easier to use. Hawkeye has a distinct skill set that I’m quite sure no other agent can match, and it took a bit of coaxing to get him to give up the formula.”

“When Cap says coaxing, he means Coulson told him to do something and he did it,” Tony interjects. “There are nine different bullets that can be used: smoke, sticky, smell, shrapnel, explosive, grappling, poison, tracking, and force. The ones I’m still fiddling with are the lava and homing bullets. Barton is pretty close lipped about it and there is only so much ‘coaxing’ Coulson can do.”

“ _Tony_.”

“I’m not insinuating anything they won’t learn after meeting the two of them. You make teaching such a bore, Cap. Okay, back to armour!” Tony turns and tugs out an entire SHIELD outfit. He hands it off to Steve and places the Glock on the table. “I noticed a flaw in the recent designs SHIELD has decided to have all their agents wear. They look flimsy. This here, while not as durable as the armour I showed you earlier, is still much better in the ‘bullets might not kill me’ sector. I’ve taken a sister element from the chainmail and integrated it into the fabric of the suit. Like I said, a bullet won’t kill you, but you’ll still have to go the med bay and get checked out. All agents will be required to wear this bad boy. It comes in two different colours, SHIELD blue and Fury black. No, don’t tell him I said that, he’ll kill me. Really. Next item.

“Nanobots. These little fellas are not meant to be trifled with. There are three kinds.” Tony pulls out three canisters, handing them to the agents in the front row. “Do not break them open or you will die.”

At the horrified expressions on the agents’ faces, Steve waves a hand. “Mr. Stark is joking. Again. Well, partially. Each canister of nanobots has different properties: healing, disintegration of synthetic and metal materials, and disintegration of organic tissue. As long as you stay away from the organic one, you’ll be fine. These will be required of all agents to carry.”

Tony looks impressed. “They’ve been coloured-coded to help with the whole ‘let’s not accidentally dissolve our skin instead of repairing it’ confusion. Green: healing; grey: metal and synthetic; and red: organic. Easy enough to remember, right? Good.”

The canisters are handed back and he goes diving into his silver box again. Steve takes the time to address them all, “As we aren’t just here to tell you about all the weapons and armour you’ll be required to wear, I’ve been asked to give a brief lecture on what you’ll be doing here at SHIELD.”

“Dying!” Tony calls out. Steve ignores him.

“What Mr. Stark meant to convey is that yes, many of you will be forced into situations where death has a high probability of occurring. Multiple training stations have been set up throughout the Helicarrier and many other SHIELD facilities that aid in reducing this possibility. You won’t, however, just be running into situations like this. Some of you will be dealing with the abundance of tech aboard the Helicarrier, and you will fall under Agent Maria Hill’s directive. The maintenance of the Helicarrier and the other SHIELD facilities will also fall into the care of some of you. That doesn’t mean you won’t see the battlefield and after, many of you might be shaken by what you witnessed. SHIELD carries some of the best medical professionals I’ve ever met. Don’t be afraid to go talk to them.”

“Though,” Tony says, dropping a clatter of electronics onto the desk. Grease streaks mar his suit, but he doesn’t notice, “if any of you feel like the wonderful people of SHIELD don’t quite get you, come talk to us. We’ve been labelled as unstable and really, we are and then some, but we might understand you a tad more than the shrinks here. Avengers Tower is open to most of you, but not Fury. If you want to come see us, don’t invite him.”

That gets a laugh out of some of the agents and Steve gives Tony a soft look. Tony flushes and gestures to the electronics bundled up on the desk. “Now, we get to play around with the goodies that won’t kill, maim, or otherwise cause injury to your opponents or to yourself. These are special. I’m telling you right now, Fury will probably try to kill me with his missing eye when he finds out. But really, if you’re going into this business, why not add a little fun? Each of you will be given the new StarkPhone. I know SHIELD offered you those craptastic little devices they like to call smartphones, trust me, I’ve seen them, Cap had one when he came to live at the Tower before I butchered it.” Steve rolls his eyes but smiles. Tony tucks his hands into his pockets. “Those are shit. Do not use them. These, on the other hand, will make your life much easier. Each is, of course, linked directly to the Stark Network, so you’ll have access to a bundle of information that isn’t usually handed out to civilians. The Network will eventually be integrated into the SHIELD database when I trick Fury into it, and when that happens, you’ll all be in the know. I’ll send out little emails on how to use your shiny new devices.

“These, over here,” Tony picks up a small tube, “are designed to carry everything about you: your name, your blood type, your allergies, your kinks.” Tony winks and Steve sighs. Tony glances at him with a grin. “These will allow medical professionals to figure out what not to inject you with before they inject you with it. These will allow for encrypted messages to be sent to SHIELD and back if need be. These will also help SHIELD to notify next of kin should any of you – you know. Yes. So, everyone will be handed these. They can only be accessed with a drop of your blood or the blood of a close relative, so that’s a little annoying but the medical bay has taken samples from all of you, so you don’t need to worry about getting stabbed again unless it’s on the job, in which case, sorry.

“We have other goodies, ranging from alarm clocks to video game consoles because you are going to be bored. Not while you’re working, because the lovely Miss Hill works you like a dog and no one has time to play games, except that one agent, Agent Galaga, who I will admire until I lose my memory. He was fantastic and I hear he was promoted. Anyway. Random assortment of goodies for all of you.”

Steve takes over. “I know this is a great deal of information to be heaped on you, but we were only told to explain the new items that will be flooding the SHIELD roster. And apparently give you yet-to-be-released gadgets, but Mr. Stark is frankly full of surprises, and I’ve given up trying to quell his urge to spring them on people.” Tony beams and Steve smiles back. “Now, you have a head start over the senior agents in that there is nothing you’ll have to relearn. Another thing, and I’m sure Director Fury will be disappointed I said this, but: be careful who you trust. We have made that mistake and, though it helped save the world, the aftermath wasn’t exactly fun to deal with.”

Tony looks away, fiddling with the phone in his hand. Steve watches him. “You’ll get over it, eventually, but trust is difficult to come by in this field. So, be careful, and you’ll get along fine. Question everything, but only to an extent that the facts don’t make sense.”

“Cryptic advice from Captain America, ladies and gentlemen,” Tony says, and Steve laughs. The agents sit up in their seats. Tony shifts track. “All right, the main event has concluded so let’s have your questions, peons.”

At first, it seems as though the new recruits are far too bogged down with information to even form a question let alone postulate it. But then, the woman from before raises her hand. Tony nods. “Yes?”

“Agent Murray, sir. Did you test the weapons on hostile forces as well? Or just your – your teammates?”

“Excellent question!” Tony says, beaming. “The Taser hasn’t been tested on hostiles, sadly, but I did test it numerous times on Thor until it took him down. He was very enthusiastic, which can’t be said for my other participants, Hawkeye and the good Captain.” Steve sighs. Tony grins at him. “Both were very helpful in my studies, though.”

“It’s difficult to be enthusiastic about Tasers when you don’t know you’re being hit by one. Thor may have enjoyed it, but he is the God of Thunder. Of course he would.”

“You woke up fine. Hawkeye woke up vengeful. I learned my lesson,” Tony says. He turns back to the agent. “The modified gun has not been tested on hostiles, either, but I hear the smoke canister is very effective in riots. So, to summarize: no, they haven’t been tested on hostiles. And do not use either on the Hulk. He found the Taser ticklish and the canisters annoying, and then you’ll be hanging out a window by your ankle and trying to convince him it was for scientific purposes only and some part of him must recognize that. The Taser is meant to incapacitate a hostile force, usually so they can be questioned. The modified gun can be used for either. But until the world is in peril again, we’ll have to go with my controlled tests. Sorry.”

The agent nods slowly and two more hands shoot up. Steve gestures to an agent in the back. He says, “Are we allowed to ask questions about the shield? And the armour? Why aren’t they standard issue?”

Steve purses his lips and glances at Tony. Tony shrugs. Steve says, “The shield is made of an alloy that has only been recreated once and that was for life saving purposes.” Tony makes a noise of surprise and Steve nods at him. “The shield isn’t standard issue because the only person who knows  _how_  to make my shield is standing beside me and I’ve asked him not to. The alloy itself is incredibly rare and difficult to create. I would prefer money be put into maintaining SHIELD defenses and repairing damages then to a defensive weapon that many of you don’t know how to wield.”

Tony steps up. “In regards to  _my_ armour, no you can’t have it. There is a reason my tech is under my control: there is power and then there is  _power_. Many don’t understand the difference. There has already been someone who’s recreated the basis of my armour and let’s see, that ended with a good chunk of Malibu blown up, oh! And the Stark Expo levelled. So, no, the armour will never be standard issue. That’s why I made you jumpsuits, kiddies, so you don’t try and talk to Fury about it and annoy me.”

“Tony.”

“What, I’m very sensitive about my tech, can’t you tell?”

Sighing, Steve gestures to another agent. “Yes?”

“How difficult was it to transition from the army to SHIELD, sir?”

Steve cocks his head to the side. “Well, considering I woke up seventy years in the future, very bizarre.” Some of the agents laugh. “But the protocols haven’t changed much, just evolved and many of the sergeants are much more decent than the ones I had to train with. You’ll find easy parallels between the army and SHIELD, but I find SHIELD is catered more toward the spy aspect of protection. The skill sets as well are top notch. I can say the first time Agent Romanov took me down in a sparring session, I was a little surprised.”

“Never spar with her, she’s evil. She knows all the weak points,” Tony says.

Steve snorts. “That’s because you chose to spar with her without the suit. Of course she’s going to take you down.”

“I remember a time when you wanted to spar with me,” Tony says, waggling his eyebrows. Steve shakes his head.

“You were being a child and we were all under the influence of Loki’s staff. If you’re going to start up again, yes, put on the suit and we’ll go a few rounds,” Steve challenges, crossing his arms. Tony eyes him.

“I’m going to be a mature adult and say we’ll continue this conversation elsewhere, as the implications are just delicious,” Tony says. Steve flushes.

Tony gestures to the agents, rocking back on his heels in amusement. He flicks his fingers at one in the front. He says, “How long do agents typically work at SHIELD? Is it a long term commitment?”

“Mortality rates notwithstanding, I have no idea.” Tony turns, going through his box again. Steve doesn’t bother correcting him. “Coulson gave me all these pamphlets to hand out, probably should’ve done that at the beginning but you know, new experience, wanted to dive right in. Where, where, ha!” Tony yanks out a slew of pamphlets, losing some to the floor. “These things will tell you all the basic SHIELD info, like time off slips, lunch slips, injury slips, yada yada. Basically, all the paper work you’ll need to be doing for SHIELD and it’s  _a lot_ , ask Coulson, he complains about it daily whenever we accidentally blow up a building.”

“We don’t blow up buildings that much, Tony.”

“From how Coulson tells it? We do it four times a day, all on his breaks, and he has to fill out incident reports on top of correcting our own reports. I don’t think he submits mine.” Steve rolls his eyes and Tony starts handing out the pamphlets. “Okay, here, I also have another three pamphlets detailing hours, more training, wages, the whole shebang. And these talk about injuries in the workplace and how Fury really doesn’t give a fuck, talk to someone who cares. Which, again, file the correct paperwork and everyone will treat you like gold. Take these and read them over while I pack up. This session was only supposed to be an hour long.”

Turning, Tony throws gadgets and the weapons into the case, Steve handing him the armour to tuck away into the side. The entire mess only takes a few short minutes to finish and as Tony types in his code to lock it up, there’s a short noise behind him.

“Um!”

Tony turns and an agent at the back has her hand raised. “Agent?”

“Abegail, sir. Um, I was wondering, can I have your autograph?”

Tony lets out a startled laugh and the entire room fills with agreement, agents turning their books around and gesturing with pens. Steve blinks in surprise and takes a pen thrust at him on instinct. He scribbles out a signature, shaking hands and receiving hugs. He glances over at Tony, who is revelling in the attention, but his smile is soft, kind. Steve looks back down at the pages he’s signing and finds a trading card thrust into his hands. Glancing up, Agent Coulson meets his eyes with an eyebrow raise.

“You never did sign them.”

“Back from your vacation so soon, Phil?” Tony says, scribbling a signature onto another pad of paper before making his way over. Steve carefully signs out his name, adding a small, ‘ _Feel better’_  underneath. He hands it back to Coulson.

“I told you not to call me that. And I’m not so lucky. There was a clamour from the senior agents that it was unfair for them not to get private classes with the great Tony Stark as well. So, I’ve signed you up for this detail for the next month.”

“What?” Tony startles, dropping his pen. Steve blinks.

“Am I included in this detail, sir?”

Coulson smiles, tucking the signed card into a holder before slipping it into his jean pocket. “Of course, Captain. We can’t allow Stark free reign of the agents without knowing a calming influence is in the room as well.”

“Sir.”

“This is abuse! I only signed up for the first course, you can’t do this to me, Fury probably doesn’t want me anywhere  _near_  his senior officials,” Tony tries. Coulson smiles serenely at him, shifting his shoulder.

“Director Fury was the one who suggested it. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a vacation to continue. We’ll see you tomorrow, Stark, and you too, Captain. Good job.”

“Thank you, sir,” Steve says. “And feel better.”

Tony rants to anyone who will listen, but there’s a smile tugging on his lips that Steve is beginning to recognize. The agents ask more questions and Tony hands out directions to Avengers Tower for them to visit. He complains down the hallway about teaching matrices and how is he going to explain this to Pepper, he has meetings tomorrow, he’s sure, and complains in the car on the way back to Avengers Tower. He complains right up until he says, “They weren’t so bad.”

“No, no they weren’t,” Steve says. They have planning to do. 


End file.
